By Karen Jacobson, MA, LCPC, LMFT and Lauren Bondy, MSW

Although we anticipate the holidays being a time filled with family, fun and traditions, it can quickly turn into a calamity. Parents may feel frazzled and overcommitted while children are experiencing excitement and sugary treats.

Thus the holidays can quickly become a recipe for disaster resulting in parents yelling, children misbehaving, increased sibling squabbles, and intense emotions bursting from all. When children misbehave at this time of year, it may be their way of telling us that they are stressed and overwhelmed.

Below are tips that will keep the holidays joyous for everyone.

1. Keep routines. Do your best to maintain the same bedtimes, nap times and mealtimes. When kids are overtired and hungry, their ability to tolerate frustration goes down.
2. Provide structure to carefree days off of school. Some children have difficulty with less structure— misbehavior can increase and sibling squabbles become frequent. If this happens, restore routines and structure to your day.
3. Prepare for travel, long car rides and visits with relatives. Bring books, toys and games to occupy children when traveling. Make sure to include children in packing for the trip. Putting children in charge of gathering items to help pass time, makes them feel included, responsible and more likely to cooperate.
4. Make sure kids get physical activity and/or get outside. Most school day routines include going outside or some physical activity. Over break, it may be hard for kids to be in the house all day. Provide physical activity to help them burn off extra energy and release tension that may get them into trouble.

5. Remind children of expected behavior.

• Before you walk into grandma’s house say: “Who remembers the rules in grandma’s house?”
• Before going into the store, talk to children about what you are going to purchase: “We are here to shop for Daddy and Aunt Sue. There will be a lot of things in the store that we will want for ourselves, but we are only going to shop for what is on our list.”
• Before you open gifts say: “Who can tell me what we say after we open presents?”
6. Take a break when you need to. When you know that going out will inevitably lead to cranky, over-tired, over-stimulated kids and that you are destined to feel exasperated, it may be best to stay home. Choosing quiet family time where everyone can relax and enjoy themselves is definitely worth considering. Another option is to go out for a limited time and plan to leave as soon as you see warning signs of fatigue or misbehavior in your children.
7. Keep a calendar of events. Place all school activities, family outings, shopping excursions, visits from friends/relatives and quiet time on one calendar that kids have access to. Talk with your children about the activities and what is involved. When kids know they have to dress up, be quiet or be away from home all day, they are more likely to be cooperative. As you look at the calendar, be proactive in thinking about how you can prevent a tantrum or power struggle.
8. Remember your values, and teach them to your children. Identify values that are important to your family. Talk about your traditions and what they mean to you. Develop new traditions. Hold a family meeting to discuss traditions and activities this year.
9. Make lasting memories – Involve children in capturing memories. Children can take pictures, make movies, create scrapbooks and draw pictures. Have them interview family members about their traditions or the meaning of the holiday. These activities send the message that family and traditions are important.
10. Help kids focus on giving not getting. Talk to children about giving and the importance of helping others. Involve them in charitable activities such as shopping for toys or food. Children can carry the items to the drop off location, make cards, bake and wrap gifts. Ask children to think of a gift they can give to each family member that does not cost money. Children will recognize their good fortunate more by taking action rather than through our lectures.
11. Help children make a list. When children say: “I want this; can I have it pleeease!” Say: “Well, put it on your wish list.” Saying this, acknowledges their want. Remember, children will want “things,” and this is normal and appropriate. At another time, help children review their list. Ask them if they believe they will get everything on their list (No). Help them prioritize the items, and modify their list to help them learn to self-limit.
12. Prepare for opening gifts. The excitement of opening multiple packages can be overwhelming for some kids. Set limits ahead of time. For instance, “We can play with our toys after all of the gifts are opened.” Or, “We must look at each gift and say thank you before the next gift can be opened.”
13. Be a good role-model. Show your children that the holidays are joyous and fulfilling, not just a stress-filled time that revolves around marathon shopping trips and constant cooking and cleaning.
14. Take care of you. A common holiday trap is taking on too much or expecting the “picture perfect” holiday. Be kind to yourself. Put time for YOU on your “to do” list! It really is OK to politely say “no.” Children would rather have joyous and relaxed parents than lots of presents, a clean house and stressed parents.
15. Find a quiet time each day to connect with your child – Remember, the gift children need and want more than anything is you – your time, attention, cuddles and hugs. Make sure to plan for this most precious gift this holiday season.

“These Parent Tips were originally developed by Parenting Perspectives for the Center on Media and Child Health newsletter, Media Health Matters – Fall 2012. The Center on Media and Child Health at Boston Children’s Hospital, Harvard Medical School, and Harvard School of Public Health is dedicated to understanding and responding to the effects of media on the physical, mental, and social health of children through research, translation, and education. Learn more about the staff, mission and projects of CMCH. Parents with questions about their children’s media use can get advice from Dr. Michael Rich through the free service: Ask the Mediatrician.“

The playground for tweens and teens today is electronic. It is a world of social media (e.g., chat rooms, IM, texting, Facebook, X Box Live, Twitter, etc.). Whereas our generation grew up running around neighborhoods for hours and riding bicycles miles from home without an electronic umbilical cord (i.e. cell phone), kids today are roaming, playing, forming relationships, testing limits, making mistakes, exploring, experimenting, and forming their identities and values in online digital spaces. Below are tips for parenting in the age of social media:

Stay involved…but not too involved. Teach children to navigate the digital world responsibly. Having passwords and “spot checking” activity from time to time allows parents to stay in touch with their child’s interaction and intervene when appropriate. If something deeply concerning, extremely inappropriate, offensive, or dangerous presents itself, parents can seek answers. Your child may be angry when you monitor them or express resentment that you don’t trust them—and that’s okay.

Parents also need to refrain from over-involvement in monitoring online activity. You may see things that bother you but do not warrant conversation with your child. Some parents may be tempted to comment on every little thing that feels distasteful, but this would be a mistake for your relationship. Manage your emotions to avoid reactivity.

Understand their thinking. When you find inappropriate content or language, ask open-ended questions about what happened, and refrain from lecturing and attacking. “I’m wondering how Susie might feel if she read what you wrote?”, “If someone wrote this about you, how would you feel?” This approach will help your child stay calm and reflect on how others may have felt as a result of what was posted.

Set expectations for online behavior: Teach kids to value and protect their own reputations, and to respect those of others. To do so, establish rules around social networking, such as waiting to join social networking sites until age 13, using social media only in ways that they’d be okay with you seeing (so, no sexting), and keeping personal information (including address or phone numbers) private by not giving them out online. Discuss privacy settings, and require passcodes. Finally, talk with kids about specific issues: When using social media, what language is acceptable? Is talking about others in negative ways okay? What about discussing teachers/friends/ family members? Are all photo postings acceptable? What crosses the line? Let them know you will be present in their online lives as they learn to use digital media responsibly

Set a digital curfew. Studies show that sleep is interrupted when teens receive texts at night. Likewise, homework is interrupted and children become distracted when they receive notifications of a new chat messages, texts, or emails. To avoid a daily battle, make a time when all media are off limits into part of the routine. Involve kids in establishing a media plan for their entire day, and agree on weekday and weekend hours. Consider allowing social media time only after homework is done or during homework breaks. Ask them, “What’s the best place to charge your cell phone and keep it from distracting you?”

Have a plan and follow through. When kids violate the rule (and they will), say something like, “I know you want to chat with your friends, but you still have homework. Would you like to wait until your next break or chat when you are done?” If you have a digital curfew that’s not being honored, you might collect the cell phones and lap-tops at curfew until the next day. Deliver this consequence calmly and respectfully.

Explore together. When your child receives new technology or ventures into new social media, sit down and explore the account together. Calmly talk about the wonderful aspects of digital media and address concerns or misuses that could occur. Discuss digital footprints, permanence of online information, and online reputations.

Take advantage of teachable moments. Discuss risky online activity seen in movies, books, by your friends or their peers. Talking about other people’s choices may feel less threatening and create safe opportunities for discussion. When parents see hurtful behavior in social media and say nothing, it condones the behavior sending children the wrong message. Remain calm and non-judgmental.

Take time to connect. Your support in the media world is grounded in daily lessons that happen in the non-media world. Parents’ greatest influence is their connection to their child, so make time for that connection despite living in a fast-paced world. Attune to your child’s feelings and needs. The more connected children feel, the easier it will be for parents to start difficult discussions, which gives kids more opportunities to learn how to make wise choices.

The start of school can bring about many feelings for young children and for parents. It is common for some children to have difficulty separating from their caregivers. Problems separating are usually due to fear of the unknown/ unfamiliar and a desire to stay connected to the person they know and love and that is familiar to them. Problems separating are generally short lived. Your teachers are experts at helping both your child and you adjust to the separation and embrace school. Parents play a crucial role in helping the child separate. A parent’s confidence in their child’s abilities to overcome this challenge is critical.

What Parents Can Do To Help Their Child:

Learn about the structure of the school day, the drop off policy and pick up procedure

Talk about school –

• · Describe what will happen during the school day – talking about the sequence of the day allows your child to form a picture in his mind of what to expect. Let your child know that you will be back to pick them up after ___________ (snack, story time, etc)
• · Visit the school, meet the teacher and see the classroom with the child
• · Read books about starting school
• · Ask questions – What are you really looking forward to? What do you think will be the hardest part of the school day?

Play a starting school game/ Practice going to school –

Get your child familiar with the routine, talk about the fun things at school – the toys, the dollhouse, the fish tank, the gym the slide on the playground. Play “school”. Pretend it is a school day and go through the motions of getting ready and going to school.

Plan ahead and talk about how you will say goodbye –

• · Avoid over drawn out, over comforting goodbyes
• · Be confident that your child will be fine
• · Create a fun ritual for goodbyes
• · Talk about the sequence of the goodbye (I’ll walk you to the door, I’ll give you a hug and kiss, then a high five, then I will tell you to hang up your backpack and I will leave. I will be back to pick you up when school is over”)
• · Make a quick exit
• · If you child starts to whimper, cling to you, or melt down, calmly say “you will be okay” and continue leaving. This is very hard but if you hesitate the child learns that his/her whining, clinginess or crying can make you stay. Feel free to stay in the hallway out of sight for a few minutes. Generally, most crying stops within the first 1 – 15 minutes.

Give children control over what they can control –

Offering choices can give children a sense of control (“Would you like to wear this outfit or that one?”, “Do you want a banana for snack or an apple?”, “Would you like to lead the way up the stairs or should I lead”, “Hold my hand or walk alone, it’s up to you.”, “Would you rather put on your backpack or would you like me to carry it?”)

Slow down –

Be prepared. Being in a hurry creates tension that children can sense; stressful situations are fertile ground for tears and tantrums (Have your children get ready the night before – you get ready the night before). Parents need to be emotionally available. Avoid power struggles over the morning routine. If helpful, have your child help you get ready the night before (children can lay out their clothes, gather supplies, pack backpacks, etc.)

Have your child go to bed earlier –

Leave time for listening to thoughts and feelings about the first day of school.

Acknowledge feelings and empathize –

All feelings are okay and allowing children to express them gives them a chance to figure out how to manage them. Instead of saying, “Don’t be scared; school will be fun,” acknowledge the feeling by saying, “I know you are worried, many kids feel like that on the first day of school” or “I know you are upset, let’s go say hello to the teacher together.” Minimizing, pressuring, shaming or punishing you child for having uncomfortable feelings about leaving you will make separation difficulties worse and lead to power struggles.

Be aware of your feelings about your child separating and going to school.

A parent’s feelings can really affect the child. It is normal for parents to have mixed feelings; however, when they feel guilt, fear, anxiety, distrustful, stressed, children pick up on these emotions and the energy. Parental feelings can add to a child’s hesitancy, reluctance and fear. It is helpful to examine your own feelings (your feelings are okay) and find ways to feel more peaceful and comfortable with the transition. Sometimes the start of school signals a time for parents to let go and allow their child to experience more independence.

Be on time for both drop off and pick up

Things to Avoid

Starting school and separating can be stressful for children. School is an unknown and requires children to leave their comfort zone.  Parents send messages to children through their words, their actions and their behavior. Sometimes loving, well-meaning parents can create more anxiety.

Don’t talk about how much you will miss your child –

Don’t let your own worries get in the way. Focus on the fun they will have in school and how happy you will be to see one another after school or after you return from work.

Don’t insist on accompanying your child if he/she is ready to go in by themselves.

Some children are ready. Allowing their independence builds self-confidence. .

Don’t prolong the good-bye

Don’t peer in the window after leaving the classroom.

You are welcome to stay the school until you feel comfortable leaving or until you’ve gotten word your child is calm and adjusting, please stay out of sight of the class.

If you choose to wait in the school, DON’T let your child know that you will be downstairs and will come back if you are needed.

AVOID all language that shames children or makes children feel bad about their fears and feelings, such as the following:

“I want you to be a big boy and stop crying”

“Don’t be a baby’

“Be good for Mommy and don’t cry”

“I don’t want to see tears. School will be fun!”

AVOID language that compares them to others who are managing successfully, such as:

“Look all of the other children are having fun, you don’t see them crying”

“Your sister is even younger than you and she’s not scared; she wants to go to school”

DON’T bribe your child, like:

“Mommy has to go to work, if you let go and join your class, I’ll bring you a treat”

DON’T Punish, such as:

“If you don’t go the class, there will be no TV afterschool”

What To Do If Your Child Has Difficulties:

Ask the teacher(s) for help –

If your child will not go in or starts to cry, you might say, “Let’s go say hello to your teacher together. She will take great care of you.” If difficulties continue discuss this with the teacher at another time (it is best to call or e-mail the teacher and set up a time to talk other than drop off or pick up and a time where you child cannot hear your conversation)

Acknowledge feelings –

Instead of saying, “Don’t be scared” or “Everything will be alright”, acknowledge what your child is feeling. Then suggest a positive action you can take together to help your child feel more comfortable. (“It sounds like you are scared about going to school. I bet other kids are too. Let’s think about what will help you feel better”)

If your child says, “I don’t want to go” or “I hate school,” ask what is wrong –

Children have a lot of worries, find out what part of the day or of the experience they did not like and talk about what could be helpful. Also ask about what part of the day they did enjoy.

If your child misses you a lot, choose a special object together that she can bring to school –

A parent/family picture, a note, a memento that reminds the child that the parents are thinking of her. Encourage the child to show the object to the teacher.

Monitor your own feelings about separation –

When parents have trouble separating, children always pick up on this. Keep in mind that the more secure you feel, the more confident your child may be. Talk about your feelings with your support persons, talk with other parents and attend parenting programs to help with the adjustment.

Keep in mind that changes in the family can complicate separation.

An illness, a recent move, a change in caregiver, a death, a divorce, the birth of a sibling, family stress and other situations can lead to increased emotion and sensitivity in a child. It is important to let the teacher know of these changes, so she can be aware and help the child adjust and find ways to manage the feelings.

Everyone gets angry at times. Anger an emotion that is part of the human experience. This means that our children will get angry too. One of our greatest challenges and responsibilities is to teach children ways to manage their anger appropriately. When we struggle with anger ourselves, it can be especially challenging to help our children when they have angry outbursts, temper tantrums, say mean words, act aggressively, refuse to comply, talk back, and give the silent treatment. How we intervene impacts their ability to move through anger and develop necessary coping skills. There is a correlation with how effectively we manage our anger to how effective we are in supporting our children through their challenges with anger. Here are some guidelines for when children are angry:

Remain calm. Feeling angry is okay. Your anger will automatically escalate your child’s anger. If it is challenging for you to be calm, find ways to begin shifting this within yourself. The calmer you are, the more helpful it is for your child.

Empathize. Put yourself in your child’s shoes and seek to understand what is making them angry. Communicate empathy simply by stating, “You are really mad that it is time to leave the park.”

Help your child calm down. When children experience powerful feelings, they may feel out of control. It is difficult to think and make appropriate choices when filled with intense anger. They need space and time to calm down. Work with children older than 4 to develop a list of calming activities. Ideas may include: lying on their bed, hugging a stuffed animal, sitting outside on the front step, coloring, listening to music, jumping rope, taking deep breaths, journaling or drawing. If your child has not yet learned what feels calming you may want to offer choices to guide him so that he can discover this important tool. Children under 4 may need your presence to calm down. Allow your child to have his tantrum, remain silent and nearby. It can feel scary or shaming to small children to leave them alone when they are feeling out of control and flooded by emotion.

Set limits to stop disrespectful, destructive behavior using our 3 step plan of empathy, stating the limit clearly, and providing two acceptable choices or asking what a better choice would be (see our earlier blog post on “The 1-2-3 Plan for Limit Setting”) For example, your child gets angry in the grocery store because he wants you to buy a toy. You leave the store but the tantrum continues when you get home and your child begins calling you names. Set the limit by saying, “I know you really wanted the toy in the store. You feel angry that I would not buy it. In our family, we don’t buy everything we want. Are you able to help me bring in the groceries or would it be better for you to sit and get calm?”

Talk later. After the child is calm and when YOU are calm and ready:

· Teach appropriate ways to handle anger

· Use non-punitive consequences for any disrespectful, disruptive behavior and have children take responsibility for their actions

This can be done with thoughtful conversations. “You were really angry earlier today. I understand why you were angry; but the way you handled the anger by calling me names and screaming in the store, was not okay. Let’s think of what you can do differently next time if you get mad in the store.” You may need to add something like “Because you needed time to calm down, you were not able to do your job of helping me put the groceries away. You need to do something to take responsibility and make up for that. So after dinner instead of playing, you will need to spend some time cleaning the kitchen.”

Take responsibility for your own anger when you blow it. When anger gets the best of you, model owning it and apologize when necessary. “I was really angry earlier. I snapped at you. I forgot to calm down and said things I did not mean. I made you feel bad and I’m sorry.”

Don’t:

Yell, punish, lecture or try to rationalize when your child is angry. When children are flooded with emotion they cannot process these words and lessons. In addition, these words are likely to escalate their emotion.

Give in or re-negotiate when a child is angry. This sends the message that their anger is powerful and can be used to get what they want. Over time, children learn that anger helps them gain power and control. This is an unhelpful and dangerous message that will lead to more frequent tantrums, anger outbursts and mean/aggressive behavior.

by Lauren Bondy, MSW and Karen Jacobson, MA, LCPC, LMFT

The steps are explained below. But first, it is critical to become very clear about the areas of your life that you want to improve or make changes in. It helps to get in touch with your values and create a vision for how you want to live your life. Think about the areas of your life where you may be struggling. Do you want to increase your water intake? Eat healthier? Exercise more? Improve the quality of your relationship with someone? Cultivate a hobby? Write each of these areas down on a piece of paper. Writing your intentions is a helpful way of communicating with yourself and gaining clarity. Now, for each goal, write down the reason(s) why doing it is important to you–even if it seems obvious. For example, let’s say you want to make healthier food choices. List all of the benefits that will occur when you make this choice. Include things like having more energy, losing weight, improved health, better digestion, etc. Clarity is key to holding yourself accountable. Energy, weight loss and health are all motivating.

Sometimes having clarity is enough to move us in a new direction. But often, it is not. And this is why having tools for holding ourselves accountable can be helpful. So now, I will show you how the same “Three Steps for Limit Setting” that has worked for thousands of parents can also work for you. I will use an example of what happened to me just this morning. My alarm woke me up at 7:00am. Last night I set the alarm planning to go for a morning run before taking my daughter to karate. After a running hiatus, I resumed my running regimen last week. Running always feels great when I do it, and I’ve felt very happy to be reconnected to the power and joy running gives me. But when the alarm went off this morning, I wanted to go back to sleep. After all, it was Saturday and an opportunity to sleep in. And this is when I found myself spontaneously doing the “Three Steps of Limit Setting on Myself.” It was as if I was child and parent all in one.

My monologue went something like this: “Lauren, I know it’s hard to get up; and sleeping in sounds great. But, last night you made a promise to yourself to get up at 7:00am and run. Are you going to get up now or hit snooze once and then get up and run?” So, here’s a confession. I hit snooze not once, but twice. And then I got up, put on my running clothes and went for a run. It was the longest run I’ve been on in a while. The “Three Steps” can work like magic when we are tuned into what the rules are for ourselves.

The Steps are as follows:

Step 1: Empathize—You are empathizing with yourself. Acknowledge your feelings. Whatever resistant feelings you are having are okay. Acknowledging yourself, even though you won’t be letting yourself off the hook, moves you to a place of self acceptance. It is the acceptance of your feelings that opens the door to transcend the resistance. [“Lauren, I know it’s hard to get up; and sleeping in sounds great.”]

Step 2: State the limit clearly—Remember, this is not new information to you. You have already made a list of your intentions and why you want to accomplish them. [“But, last night you made a promise to yourself to get up at 7:00am and run. “]

Step 3: Give a choice or ask yourself what another option might be–When giving yourself choices, give only two choices and both must be in accordance of your intention. They must be real choices not self-punishing or avoidance choices. [“Are you going to get up now or hit snooze once and then get up and run?”]. Examples of self-punishing or avoiding choices are get up now or be a “lazy bum.” Or, get up now or run another day. The choices you give yourself must be in accordance with your intention. It doesn’t matter which one you choose. Either will fulfill your desire.

You can use the “Three Steps of Limit Setting” with yourself all day long. Anytime you find yourself in a self-resistant mode. When I found myself resisting water, I just simply said, “Lauren, I know you wish you didn’t have to drink water right now, but you’ve committed to being properly hydrated. Are you going to have a few sips now or in one minute?” Guess who drank a whole glass without reservation? I was so excited to discover that a tool that works so well for parents can also be used for anyone who wants more follow through in their life. I was also struck by the metaphor of an internal dialogue between parts of ourselves: the conflict between our wise “parent voice” and the “child voice” within us.

Whether children are 3 years old or 15 years old,  the start of school is stressful. There is change and new expectations. Parents are often unaware of the many situations that can be stressful for children. Change,  loss,  pain,  worry,  pressure,  overstimulation and new situations can be stressful.  Change in routine, change in parent’s schedule,  travel, holidays,  growth spurts,  transitions,  group activities, illness, doctor visits, babysitters, large birthday parties, learning new skills, doing things more independently, and siblings gaining competence can bring anxiety and stress for some children. Also, since children also are in tune with parents, parental stress, anxiety, loss and pain can affect kids.

Since children communicate through their behavior, they will show their stress through their behavior. Typical stress behaviors fall into two categories: regressive behavior (thumb sucking, fear, sleep problems, accidents, baby talk, forgetting, etc.) and aggressive behaviors (hitting, biting, power struggles and backtalk).

Examine annoying or unexpected behavior. Seek to understand. Ask yourself, what is my child trying to communicate? Is there change or stress in our lives? What does he/she need? Avoid reacting. Remain calm and nurture children through stressful experiences.

P.S.  The symbol above is Chinese for “Love”.  We’re not much help with Chinese,  but for more tips and strategies about “decoding” your children’s behavior contact us about our 4 week class or parent coaching.

Recently Jessica Beagley of Alaska, better known as “The Hot Sauce Mom” received international news coverage after appearing on the Dr Phil Show with a videotape of her punishing her 7 year old son, first by forcing him to put hot sauce in his mouth and then putting him in an ice cold shower. All of this while being told, despite his sobbing and pleas for mercy, that the punishment was a consequence for lying and bad behavior at school. The entire incident was filmed by his 10 year old sister at the mother’s direction, to be part of a Dr Phil Show episode on problem children.

To watch this incident is heartbreaking and painful; and it certainly evoked strong emotions in me, and perhaps millions of viewers. As a parent educator who has worked with thousands of stressed parents one of my first thoughts upon seeing this disturbing footage was that Jessica Beagley is not entirely unique. Though an extreme case, she is one of many parents who treat their children in hurtful ways.

In a follow-up interview with Beagley and a professional counselor, she states that she fully believed that she was doing the right thing for her child. Clearly, she believed that it was necessary for him to suffer in order to learn. Her unrelenting questions to her son such as, “Do we lie in this house?” Are you allowed to lie when you live in my house?”, “Did you make good choices or bad choices?” was an attempt at teaching him improved behavior. Most parents believe that lying is wrong and have expectations that their children make good choices. It seems that Beagley’s intention was good, but her method of implementation flawed. In fact, her beliefs and methods so flawed that it led to the serious physical and emotional abuse of her son (stay tuned for future blog post on children and “lying.”).

Beagley represents the extreme of what we at Parenting Perspectives call Caveman Parenting (see earlier blog). Caveman Parenting is the outdated belief handed down for generations that children need to suffer in order to learn. Belief systems are formed through our childhood experiences. Everyone’s belief systems are a type of personal programming. Some programming causes reactive behavior. And in parents, it causes reactive parenting. None of us escape programming or reactivity. It is part of the human experience.

If you review the comments on the news websites, most are expressions of outrage and indignation. There are also a striking number of comments that suggested that Beagley and her husband, receive similar treatment: hot sauce and cold showers as punishment for their behavior. These suggestions reflect outdated Caveman mentality. Millions of parents believe that children need to be punished. Perhaps not in an abusive manner, but punished nonetheless. And then there are parents who believe in teaching rather than punishing, yet still frequently parent from a reactive place. After all, what parent has never resorted to punishing, yelling, shaming, or scolding when pushed beyond their limit? Many parents spend large portions of their day in these reactive ways. Reactive parenting is another aspect of Caveman mentality. It’s not easy to acknowledge that we all have aspects within us that mirror “The Hot Sauce Mom.” Perhaps not to the extreme of Beagley’s abuse and violence, but we are all programmed to react. And many of us have not transcended the long-held limiting beliefs about punishment.

To move away from Caveman Parenting, we first need to recognize when we are reactive towards our children. Then we can begin shifting towards responding consciously. It may be easy for parents toss off yelling, punishing, shaming, scolding by saying, “Well I’m only human.” But what really distinguishes humans from animals is our power to choose our response. And this choice is only possible when we have evolved in a conscious way by taking full responsibility for our reactive patterns.

Years of teaching parenting skills and helping my clients understand their reactive nature have taught me that most parents quickly and instinctively identify with the underlying principles that Parenting Perspectives teaches. With support, parents can learn how to take responsibility for their reactive patterns, expand their parenting toolbox so that they have many choices during challenges, and deepen their understanding of their child’s temperament and development. After all, “discipline” means to teach.

Although Beagley’s story has caused many of us great pain, there is a clearly a gift to be found. The best of intentions do not compensate for misinformed or outdated belief systems, sparse parenting techniques and reactive parenting. All parents can benefit from support to make sure they are parenting from a place of consciousness rather than reactivity.

For him, his exit was loving, helpful and thoughtful. For me, his words were like nails on a chalkboard. It seemed like a million thoughts would run through my mind: “What did ’be good for Mommy’ mean?” What would happen if my boys were not “good”? Why did they need to be “good?” “Isn’t it unrealistic to think that our young boys could be ’good’ all day?”,“Was he giving them the message that I could not handle it if they misbehaved?”, “Am I just over reacting?” Although this daily pattern continued for months, I ignored my irritation that his words were sending an unhelpful message. Instead, I chose to focus on his intention which was to support me since he was unable to be home as much as he liked.

As I began to define my parenting style and examine the messages my husband and I gave to our boys through our words and actions, I decided that “be good for Mommy” was not a message I wanted to send. I wanted our children to know that we loved them unconditionally, when they behaved and when they misbehaved. I did not want to place emphasis on looking or acting “good” but wanted them to act in ways that made them feel good inside. I wanted them to know that all feelings were okay and that they were free to make mistakes.

I decided to talk with my husband about finding a different phrase to say to the boys as he left each morning.My first attempt at this conversation was a disaster. Despite my best efforts, he felt attacked and misunderstood. I was accused of reading too much into his words. This was a clear example of how difficult it can be when couples talk about their differences in parenting practices and parenting choices.

I am happy to report my second attempt at discussing my concerns was a success. The following tips can help:

1. Make time for a conversation. Sit down with each other. Minimize distractions. Get yourself in a calm and loving state before starting the conversation. Set an intentionfor understanding and solving the problem together rather than winning or proving your point.

2. Talk about your shared parenting goals and values. Typically, parents agree on what they want for their child, but disagree on how to achieve it. It is critical for parents to feel connected and know that they are on the same page before attempting to problem solve. Acknowledge all of the positive parenting your partner does.

3. Identify your concern. Do not accuse. Let your partner know that you are the one that has the problem or concern. (An “I message” is a great tool here)

4. Listen and be open. This means putting aside your own feelings while your partner is talking. Do your best to remain open & neutral and avoid predisposed conclusions. Appreciate your partner while he is speaking. No matter what is going on, appreciate him for who he is. Your appreciation offers a safe zone for your partner to express uncomfortable feelings. Listen to his words, feelings, and intentions. Do not interrupt. There is usually a good reason for our parenting choices

5. Empathize.Once you understand the essence of what your partner is feeling you can put yourself in your partner’s shoes and see life from his perspective. You don’t have to agree with your partner or feel the same way, but you can understand and mirror back to your partner the actual meaning of what he is communicating.

6. Be willing to apologize if you realize that you have hurt your partner.

7. Together brainstorm ideas about how to solve the problem. Together, talk about all possible solutions and attempt to agree on a plan that both of you feel comfortable with.Another option is to agree on a plan that you both are willing to try out for a limited time.

8. Express gratitude–Parenting with a partner and resolving differences can be very challenging. When couples take the time to get on the same page it deepens their connection with each other and creates a sense of security and togetherness that is felt by all family members.

]]> http://www.parentingperspectives.com/?feed=rss2&p=78 1 http://www.parentingperspectives.com/?p=70 http://www.parentingperspectives.com/?p=70#comments Fri, 01 Jul 2011 03:40:50 +0000 Lauren Bondy http://www.parentingperspectives.com/blog/?p=70 Continue reading →]]> Upon discovering that you’ve made a mistake or a bad decision, how do you react? Are you kind, forgiving, and loving toward yourself? Do you reflect on your choices and objectively analyze how you can do better next time? Or, do you react with negative self talk cursing your stupidity under your breath? Or worse? Don’t think about it too hard. Many people, most people even, punish themselves through destructive behavior, negative self-talk and feelings of victimization, sometimes even numbing themselves with food, drugs or alcohol. Why this universal phenomenon?

Let’s look at what typically happens when children misbehave. Picture a caveman’s family sitting around the fire having just finished their supper of mammoth stew. Little Oog picks up daddy’s spear and decides to jab his little brother in the back. It doesn’t take much imagination to picture CaveMom’s reaction and her leaping up to grab the spear, smack her son and bark at him. 25,000 years of evolution and parenting tradition have led us to punishment as a norm.

Parenting is a tremendous and awesome responsibility. As parents we are easily triggered into a reactive state of worry, fear and concern. We leap into the future imagining our child much older, behaving without social skills, a conscience, or sense of morality. In an attempt to alleviate our fears, we panic knowing that it is our responsibility to raise a child who knows right from wrong. The result is that much like Oog’s mom, we will resort to punitive forms of discipline; we yell, punish, scold, shame, take away privileges, or even become physically or verbally abusive. All of this is an attempt to control our child’s savage beast impulses.

Let’s examine the two main reasons that parents do this. First, punitive parenting feels familiar since most parents were recipients of punishment as children. It is what we know. In fact punitive parenting has been handed down from generation to generation. As a result, most of us don’t really know what else to do when our children misbehave, so we resort to the methodology of our parents. Parents simply don’t have conscious parenting tools to get the results they want with their children. There are literally hundreds of conscious parenting tools that can be taught (I know because I teach them). Some examples are limit setting, empathy, accepting feelings, self calming, etc. Second, as a result of being raised with punitive methods, parents have subconsciously adopted limiting beliefs about themselves and subsequently their children’s negative behavior. Our limiting beliefs may say, “I am bad”, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m unworthy of love”, “My parents only love me when I’m good”, “I deserve to suffer”, etc. These beliefs are stored in the subconscious and show up as reactive parenting rather than conscious parenting.

The underlying belief is that we have to punish children when they behave in negative ways. This is based on thinking that humans on some level are inherently bad and that we need to stamp out unwanted tendencies. Or, that children (and adults) need to suffer in order to learn. Several thousand years of religious doctrine and practice discuss man’s tendency toward evil. In my teaching I have asked hundreds of parents, “Where is it written that children need to suffer in order to learn?” No one has come up with an answer. One dad, perhaps a descendent of Oog, proudly said, “Lauren, this is what parents have been doing for centuries. Are you saying that we should go against what has been happening for thousands of years?” Simply, yes, that is what I’m saying.

We can affect great change in our world by beginning on a personal level. Real peace begins at home with parents shifting their long-held limiting beliefs. What if, rather than punishing, we helped our children know or remember their true identity?

Several well-known authors have cited the following: “In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases and every man, woman and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, about all the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his or her lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any and every detail and accuracy is recounted.  All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths and kindness are recited carefully and at length.  This often will last for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.”

When we believe that our truth as humans is love rather than evil, everything changes. We must respond to our children in ways that help them learn, grow and know themselves. Research has shown that children learn best when they are relaxed, feel good about themselves, and feel connected to their parents. Punishment has the opposite effect and actually creates more misbehavior and revenge cycles over time. To be fair, punishment may work to control your child’s behavior temporarily, but at what cost? Children may comply out of fear (at least for a while) but it does not teach good decision-making, self-management or responsibility. Even more, we pass on the limiting belief baton to our children that we have been carrying since our childhood.

Parents are constantly influencing their children’s identities by the things we say and do—especially in the most challenging moments. If we want to influence healthy identities so that our children will know that they are spirits of pure love, our words and actions must reflect this. Parents must do three things. First, we need to examine our beliefs and set a clear intention for the messages we choose to send our children. Second, parents must heal their own limiting beliefs that they have carried since childhood. Third, parents must learn conscious parenting tools that teach children self-control, responsibility, resiliency and respect for self and others. Discipline means to teach. Parenting tools allow them to parent consciously rather than reactively.

Now ask yourself if you are parenting with a caveman or Babemba mindset. If you are stuck in the reactive mode of the caveman, it may be time to come out of the cave and into the world of enlightenment. Like the Babemba, parents can view children’s misbehavior as an opportunity to hold a mirror so that children can see the reflection of just how beautiful their hearts really are. Or, just club them. The choice is yours.

Developing a family vision can be supported by making three very specific lists.

List #1: Write down the qualities you hope to nurture in your child. Be specific. Think ahead to the time when he is old enough to leave your care. Ask yourself, how do you hope he will feel about himself? The world? What do you wish for his character to be? Often, parents think about qualities: responsible, confident, respectful, thoughtful, empathetic, loves himself, open-minded, spiritually connected, etc… When making your list, stick to character traits rather than specific personality distinctions or your outward goals for him (i.e. athletic, popular, smart). For instance, your goal may be to help your children develop an internal compass for their lives rather than the goal be to attend an Ivy League school.

List #2: Write down the goals and dreams you have for yourself as a parent. What type of parent do you want to be? It helps to take a few moments to remember what it was like when you held your infant for the first time. With eyes closed, begin asking yourself questions and notice the thoughts and feelings that come to mind. Some suggestions are:

· How did it feel to love them EXACTLY as they were in that moment?

· How did you feel as you held your baby?

· What were your hopes and dreams for this new, precious life?

· Remember your wonderment as you contemplated the mysteries that would unfold in the years to come.

· What kind of parent did you promise yourself that you would be?

· How do you hope your child will describe you when he is an adult?

· What feelings and memories do you hope they will have of you?

· How do you hope they will feel about growing up in your family?

This visualization helps you discover ( and re-discover) your deepest dreams and feelings about yourself as a parent—the essence of who you are. While these ideas are fresh in your mind, write down the words that describe yourself as the parent you want to be. Often parents will use words such as patient, accepting, available, calm, joyful, confident, etc….

List #3: Make a third list with words describing yourself as the parent you currently are. This requires honesty and self-reflection. Parents often have a hard time listing their strengths. It is important to acknowledge what feels good so that you can create more of that. So list those attributes. Then, make sure to list those attributes that don’t feel so good (i.e. impatient, quick to anger, judgmental, intolerant, unavailable, etc…)

Exercises to help you become a “conscious parent”: After making the lists, look to see how list #3 matches up with list #2. Where are you in alignment with your vision? What are the areas that need attention? For instance, in list #1 you wrote that you want to raise a child who is patient, list #2 says you want to be a patient parent, but list #3 has helped you realize that you are constantly rushing yourself and your child.

These discrepancies are a “gift in strange wrapping paper” (thank you Dr. Darren Weissman for that phrase). Be cautious not to judge yourself but rather love that you have made this discovery. Any discrepancy represents a gap in your subconscious mind and is the key to helping you achieve your dreams for yourself and your family. The discrepant areas of your life are those that you can begin putting conscious attention toward changing. It is also an opportunity to heal this reactive piece of your subconscious mind. Becoming conscious about your parenting choices helps ensure that your actions match your vision.