The steps are explained below. But first, it is critical to become very clear about the areas of your life that you want to improve or make changes in. It helps to get in touch with your values and create a vision for how you want to live your life. Think about the areas of your life where you may be struggling. Do you want to increase your water intake? Eat healthier? Exercise more? Improve the quality of your relationship with someone? Cultivate a hobby? Write each of these areas down on a piece of paper. Writing your intentions is a helpful way of communicating with yourself and gaining clarity. Now, for each goal, write down the reason(s) why doing it is important to you–even if it seems obvious. For example, let’s say you want to make healthier food choices. List all of the benefits that will occur when you make this choice. Include things like having more energy, losing weight, improved health, better digestion, etc. Clarity is key to holding yourself accountable. Energy, weight loss and health are all motivating.

Sometimes having clarity is enough to move us in a new direction. But often, it is not. And this is why having tools for holding ourselves accountable can be helpful. So now, I will show you how the same “Three Steps for Limit Setting” that has worked for thousands of parents can also work for you. I will use an example of what happened to me just this morning. My alarm woke me up at 7:00am. Last night I set the alarm planning to go for a morning run before taking my daughter to karate. After a running hiatus, I resumed my running regimen last week. Running always feels great when I do it, and I’ve felt very happy to be reconnected to the power and joy running gives me. But when the alarm went off this morning, I wanted to go back to sleep. After all, it was Saturday and an opportunity to sleep in. And this is when I found myself spontaneously doing the “Three Steps of Limit Setting on Myself.” It was as if I was child and parent all in one.

My monologue went something like this: “Lauren, I know it’s hard to get up; and sleeping in sounds great. But, last night you made a promise to yourself to get up at 7:00am and run. Are you going to get up now or hit snooze once and then get up and run?” So, here’s a confession. I hit snooze not once, but twice. And then I got up, put on my running clothes and went for a run. It was the longest run I’ve been on in a while. The “Three Steps” can work like magic when we are tuned into what the rules are for ourselves.

The Steps are as follows:

Step 1: Empathize—You are empathizing with yourself. Acknowledge your feelings. Whatever resistant feelings you are having are okay. Acknowledging yourself, even though you won’t be letting yourself off the hook, moves you to a place of self acceptance. It is the acceptance of your feelings that opens the door to transcend the resistance. [“Lauren, I know it’s hard to get up; and sleeping in sounds great.”]

Step 2: State the limit clearly—Remember, this is not new information to you. You have already made a list of your intentions and why you want to accomplish them. [“But, last night you made a promise to yourself to get up at 7:00am and run. “]

Step 3: Give a choice or ask yourself what another option might be–When giving yourself choices, give only two choices and both must be in accordance of your intention. They must be real choices not self-punishing or avoidance choices. [“Are you going to get up now or hit snooze once and then get up and run?”]. Examples of self-punishing or avoiding choices are get up now or be a “lazy bum.” Or, get up now or run another day. The choices you give yourself must be in accordance with your intention. It doesn’t matter which one you choose. Either will fulfill your desire.

You can use the “Three Steps of Limit Setting” with yourself all day long. Anytime you find yourself in a self-resistant mode. When I found myself resisting water, I just simply said, “Lauren, I know you wish you didn’t have to drink water right now, but you’ve committed to being properly hydrated. Are you going to have a few sips now or in one minute?” Guess who drank a whole glass without reservation? I was so excited to discover that a tool that works so well for parents can also be used for anyone who wants more follow through in their life. I was also struck by the metaphor of an internal dialogue between parts of ourselves: the conflict between our wise “parent voice” and the “child voice” within us.

Whether children are 3 years old or 15 years old,  the start of school is stressful. There is change and new expectations. Parents are often unaware of the many situations that can be stressful for children. Change,  loss,  pain,  worry,  pressure,  overstimulation and new situations can be stressful.  Change in routine, change in parent’s schedule,  travel, holidays,  growth spurts,  transitions,  group activities, illness, doctor visits, babysitters, large birthday parties, learning new skills, doing things more independently, and siblings gaining competence can bring anxiety and stress for some children. Also, since children also are in tune with parents, parental stress, anxiety, loss and pain can affect kids.

Since children communicate through their behavior, they will show their stress through their behavior. Typical stress behaviors fall into two categories: regressive behavior (thumb sucking, fear, sleep problems, accidents, baby talk, forgetting, etc.) and aggressive behaviors (hitting, biting, power struggles and backtalk).

Examine annoying or unexpected behavior. Seek to understand. Ask yourself, what is my child trying to communicate? Is there change or stress in our lives? What does he/she need? Avoid reacting. Remain calm and nurture children through stressful experiences.

P.S.  The symbol above is Chinese for “Love”.  We’re not much help with Chinese,  but for more tips and strategies about “decoding” your children’s behavior contact us about our 4 week class or parent coaching.

Recently Jessica Beagley of Alaska, better known as “The Hot Sauce Mom” received international news coverage after appearing on the Dr Phil Show with a videotape of her punishing her 7 year old son, first by forcing him to put hot sauce in his mouth and then putting him in an ice cold shower. All of this while being told, despite his sobbing and pleas for mercy, that the punishment was a consequence for lying and bad behavior at school. The entire incident was filmed by his 10 year old sister at the mother’s direction, to be part of a Dr Phil Show episode on problem children.

To watch this incident is heartbreaking and painful; and it certainly evoked strong emotions in me, and perhaps millions of viewers. As a parent educator who has worked with thousands of stressed parents one of my first thoughts upon seeing this disturbing footage was that Jessica Beagley is not entirely unique. Though an extreme case, she is one of many parents who treat their children in hurtful ways.

In a follow-up interview with Beagley and a professional counselor, she states that she fully believed that she was doing the right thing for her child. Clearly, she believed that it was necessary for him to suffer in order to learn. Her unrelenting questions to her son such as, “Do we lie in this house?” Are you allowed to lie when you live in my house?”, “Did you make good choices or bad choices?” was an attempt at teaching him improved behavior. Most parents believe that lying is wrong and have expectations that their children make good choices. It seems that Beagley’s intention was good, but her method of implementation flawed. In fact, her beliefs and methods so flawed that it led to the serious physical and emotional abuse of her son (stay tuned for future blog post on children and “lying.”).

Beagley represents the extreme of what we at Parenting Perspectives call Caveman Parenting (see earlier blog). Caveman Parenting is the outdated belief handed down for generations that children need to suffer in order to learn. Belief systems are formed through our childhood experiences. Everyone’s belief systems are a type of personal programming. Some programming causes reactive behavior. And in parents, it causes reactive parenting. None of us escape programming or reactivity. It is part of the human experience.

If you review the comments on the news websites, most are expressions of outrage and indignation. There are also a striking number of comments that suggested that Beagley and her husband, receive similar treatment: hot sauce and cold showers as punishment for their behavior. These suggestions reflect outdated Caveman mentality. Millions of parents believe that children need to be punished. Perhaps not in an abusive manner, but punished nonetheless. And then there are parents who believe in teaching rather than punishing, yet still frequently parent from a reactive place. After all, what parent has never resorted to punishing, yelling, shaming, or scolding when pushed beyond their limit? Many parents spend large portions of their day in these reactive ways. Reactive parenting is another aspect of Caveman mentality. It’s not easy to acknowledge that we all have aspects within us that mirror “The Hot Sauce Mom.” Perhaps not to the extreme of Beagley’s abuse and violence, but we are all programmed to react. And many of us have not transcended the long-held limiting beliefs about punishment.

To move away from Caveman Parenting, we first need to recognize when we are reactive towards our children. Then we can begin shifting towards responding consciously. It may be easy for parents toss off yelling, punishing, shaming, scolding by saying, “Well I’m only human.” But what really distinguishes humans from animals is our power to choose our response. And this choice is only possible when we have evolved in a conscious way by taking full responsibility for our reactive patterns.

Years of teaching parenting skills and helping my clients understand their reactive nature have taught me that most parents quickly and instinctively identify with the underlying principles that Parenting Perspectives teaches. With support, parents can learn how to take responsibility for their reactive patterns, expand their parenting toolbox so that they have many choices during challenges, and deepen their understanding of their child’s temperament and development. After all, “discipline” means to teach.

Although Beagley’s story has caused many of us great pain, there is a clearly a gift to be found. The best of intentions do not compensate for misinformed or outdated belief systems, sparse parenting techniques and reactive parenting. All parents can benefit from support to make sure they are parenting from a place of consciousness rather than reactivity.

For him, his exit was loving, helpful and thoughtful. For me, his words were like nails on a chalkboard. It seemed like a million thoughts would run through my mind: “What did ’be good for Mommy’ mean?” What would happen if my boys were not “good”? Why did they need to be “good?” “Isn’t it unrealistic to think that our young boys could be ’good’ all day?”,“Was he giving them the message that I could not handle it if they misbehaved?”, “Am I just over reacting?” Although this daily pattern continued for months, I ignored my irritation that his words were sending an unhelpful message. Instead, I chose to focus on his intention which was to support me since he was unable to be home as much as he liked.

As I began to define my parenting style and examine the messages my husband and I gave to our boys through our words and actions, I decided that “be good for Mommy” was not a message I wanted to send. I wanted our children to know that we loved them unconditionally, when they behaved and when they misbehaved. I did not want to place emphasis on looking or acting “good” but wanted them to act in ways that made them feel good inside. I wanted them to know that all feelings were okay and that they were free to make mistakes.

I decided to talk with my husband about finding a different phrase to say to the boys as he left each morning.My first attempt at this conversation was a disaster. Despite my best efforts, he felt attacked and misunderstood. I was accused of reading too much into his words. This was a clear example of how difficult it can be when couples talk about their differences in parenting practices and parenting choices.

I am happy to report my second attempt at discussing my concerns was a success. The following tips can help:

1. Make time for a conversation. Sit down with each other. Minimize distractions. Get yourself in a calm and loving state before starting the conversation. Set an intentionfor understanding and solving the problem together rather than winning or proving your point.

2. Talk about your shared parenting goals and values. Typically, parents agree on what they want for their child, but disagree on how to achieve it. It is critical for parents to feel connected and know that they are on the same page before attempting to problem solve. Acknowledge all of the positive parenting your partner does.

3. Identify your concern. Do not accuse. Let your partner know that you are the one that has the problem or concern. (An “I message” is a great tool here)

4. Listen and be open. This means putting aside your own feelings while your partner is talking. Do your best to remain open & neutral and avoid predisposed conclusions. Appreciate your partner while he is speaking. No matter what is going on, appreciate him for who he is. Your appreciation offers a safe zone for your partner to express uncomfortable feelings. Listen to his words, feelings, and intentions. Do not interrupt. There is usually a good reason for our parenting choices

5. Empathize.Once you understand the essence of what your partner is feeling you can put yourself in your partner’s shoes and see life from his perspective. You don’t have to agree with your partner or feel the same way, but you can understand and mirror back to your partner the actual meaning of what he is communicating.

6. Be willing to apologize if you realize that you have hurt your partner.

7. Together brainstorm ideas about how to solve the problem. Together, talk about all possible solutions and attempt to agree on a plan that both of you feel comfortable with.Another option is to agree on a plan that you both are willing to try out for a limited time.

8. Express gratitude–Parenting with a partner and resolving differences can be very challenging. When couples take the time to get on the same page it deepens their connection with each other and creates a sense of security and togetherness that is felt by all family members.

]]> http://www.parentingperspectives.com/blog/?feed=rss2&p=78 1 http://www.parentingperspectives.com/blog/?p=70 http://www.parentingperspectives.com/blog/?p=70#comments Fri, 01 Jul 2011 03:40:50 +0000 Lauren Bondy http://www.parentingperspectives.com/blog/?p=70 Continue reading →]]> Upon discovering that you’ve made a mistake or a bad decision, how do you react? Are you kind, forgiving, and loving toward yourself? Do you reflect on your choices and objectively analyze how you can do better next time? Or, do you react with negative self talk cursing your stupidity under your breath? Or worse? Don’t think about it too hard. Many people, most people even, punish themselves through destructive behavior, negative self-talk and feelings of victimization, sometimes even numbing themselves with food, drugs or alcohol. Why this universal phenomenon?

Let’s look at what typically happens when children misbehave. Picture a caveman’s family sitting around the fire having just finished their supper of mammoth stew. Little Oog picks up daddy’s spear and decides to jab his little brother in the back. It doesn’t take much imagination to picture CaveMom’s reaction and her leaping up to grab the spear, smack her son and bark at him. 25,000 years of evolution and parenting tradition have led us to punishment as a norm.

Parenting is a tremendous and awesome responsibility. As parents we are easily triggered into a reactive state of worry, fear and concern. We leap into the future imagining our child much older, behaving without social skills, a conscience, or sense of morality. In an attempt to alleviate our fears, we panic knowing that it is our responsibility to raise a child who knows right from wrong. The result is that much like Oog’s mom, we will resort to punitive forms of discipline; we yell, punish, scold, shame, take away privileges, or even become physically or verbally abusive. All of this is an attempt to control our child’s savage beast impulses.

Let’s examine the two main reasons that parents do this. First, punitive parenting feels familiar since most parents were recipients of punishment as children. It is what we know. In fact punitive parenting has been handed down from generation to generation. As a result, most of us don’t really know what else to do when our children misbehave, so we resort to the methodology of our parents. Parents simply don’t have conscious parenting tools to get the results they want with their children. There are literally hundreds of conscious parenting tools that can be taught (I know because I teach them). Some examples are limit setting, empathy, accepting feelings, self calming, etc. Second, as a result of being raised with punitive methods, parents have subconsciously adopted limiting beliefs about themselves and subsequently their children’s negative behavior. Our limiting beliefs may say, “I am bad”, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m unworthy of love”, “My parents only love me when I’m good”, “I deserve to suffer”, etc. These beliefs are stored in the subconscious and show up as reactive parenting rather than conscious parenting.

The underlying belief is that we have to punish children when they behave in negative ways. This is based on thinking that humans on some level are inherently bad and that we need to stamp out unwanted tendencies. Or, that children (and adults) need to suffer in order to learn. Several thousand years of religious doctrine and practice discuss man’s tendency toward evil. In my teaching I have asked hundreds of parents, “Where is it written that children need to suffer in order to learn?” No one has come up with an answer. One dad, perhaps a descendent of Oog, proudly said, “Lauren, this is what parents have been doing for centuries. Are you saying that we should go against what has been happening for thousands of years?” Simply, yes, that is what I’m saying.

We can affect great change in our world by beginning on a personal level. Real peace begins at home with parents shifting their long-held limiting beliefs. What if, rather than punishing, we helped our children know or remember their true identity?

Several well-known authors have cited the following: “In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases and every man, woman and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, about all the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his or her lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any and every detail and accuracy is recounted.  All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths and kindness are recited carefully and at length.  This often will last for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.”

When we believe that our truth as humans is love rather than evil, everything changes. We must respond to our children in ways that help them learn, grow and know themselves. Research has shown that children learn best when they are relaxed, feel good about themselves, and feel connected to their parents. Punishment has the opposite effect and actually creates more misbehavior and revenge cycles over time. To be fair, punishment may work to control your child’s behavior temporarily, but at what cost? Children may comply out of fear (at least for a while) but it does not teach good decision-making, self-management or responsibility. Even more, we pass on the limiting belief baton to our children that we have been carrying since our childhood.

Parents are constantly influencing their children’s identities by the things we say and do—especially in the most challenging moments. If we want to influence healthy identities so that our children will know that they are spirits of pure love, our words and actions must reflect this. Parents must do three things. First, we need to examine our beliefs and set a clear intention for the messages we choose to send our children. Second, parents must heal their own limiting beliefs that they have carried since childhood. Third, parents must learn conscious parenting tools that teach children self-control, responsibility, resiliency and respect for self and others. Discipline means to teach. Parenting tools allow them to parent consciously rather than reactively.

Now ask yourself if you are parenting with a caveman or Babemba mindset. If you are stuck in the reactive mode of the caveman, it may be time to come out of the cave and into the world of enlightenment. Like the Babemba, parents can view children’s misbehavior as an opportunity to hold a mirror so that children can see the reflection of just how beautiful their hearts really are. Or, just club them. The choice is yours.

Developing a family vision can be supported by making three very specific lists.

List #1: Write down the qualities you hope to nurture in your child. Be specific. Think ahead to the time when he is old enough to leave your care. Ask yourself, how do you hope he will feel about himself? The world? What do you wish for his character to be? Often, parents think about qualities: responsible, confident, respectful, thoughtful, empathetic, loves himself, open-minded, spiritually connected, etc… When making your list, stick to character traits rather than specific personality distinctions or your outward goals for him (i.e. athletic, popular, smart). For instance, your goal may be to help your children develop an internal compass for their lives rather than the goal be to attend an Ivy League school.

List #2: Write down the goals and dreams you have for yourself as a parent. What type of parent do you want to be? It helps to take a few moments to remember what it was like when you held your infant for the first time. With eyes closed, begin asking yourself questions and notice the thoughts and feelings that come to mind. Some suggestions are:

· How did it feel to love them EXACTLY as they were in that moment?

· How did you feel as you held your baby?

· What were your hopes and dreams for this new, precious life?

· Remember your wonderment as you contemplated the mysteries that would unfold in the years to come.

· What kind of parent did you promise yourself that you would be?

· How do you hope your child will describe you when he is an adult?

· What feelings and memories do you hope they will have of you?

· How do you hope they will feel about growing up in your family?

This visualization helps you discover ( and re-discover) your deepest dreams and feelings about yourself as a parent—the essence of who you are. While these ideas are fresh in your mind, write down the words that describe yourself as the parent you want to be. Often parents will use words such as patient, accepting, available, calm, joyful, confident, etc….

List #3: Make a third list with words describing yourself as the parent you currently are. This requires honesty and self-reflection. Parents often have a hard time listing their strengths. It is important to acknowledge what feels good so that you can create more of that. So list those attributes. Then, make sure to list those attributes that don’t feel so good (i.e. impatient, quick to anger, judgmental, intolerant, unavailable, etc…)

Exercises to help you become a “conscious parent”: After making the lists, look to see how list #3 matches up with list #2. Where are you in alignment with your vision? What are the areas that need attention? For instance, in list #1 you wrote that you want to raise a child who is patient, list #2 says you want to be a patient parent, but list #3 has helped you realize that you are constantly rushing yourself and your child.

These discrepancies are a “gift in strange wrapping paper” (thank you Dr. Darren Weissman for that phrase). Be cautious not to judge yourself but rather love that you have made this discovery. Any discrepancy represents a gap in your subconscious mind and is the key to helping you achieve your dreams for yourself and your family. The discrepant areas of your life are those that you can begin putting conscious attention toward changing. It is also an opportunity to heal this reactive piece of your subconscious mind. Becoming conscious about your parenting choices helps ensure that your actions match your vision.

There is a lot of talk that today’s parents are:

Over-involved in their children’s lives

Over-indulging and buying too much

Over-scheduling children with too many activities

Over-pressuring kids, wanting them to succeed and be superstars

Over-praising children in hopes that they will have good self-esteem

Over-stimulating kids with computers, videos, electronic games, and cell phones

Over-focusing on our children’s happiness

New evidence suggests that in our efforts to give children the best, we end up over-doing it and unknowingly creating some negative consequences for our children. If you are questioning whether you are over-doing it with your children, it helps to remember the things that your children really need and want.

TRUE GIFTS CHILDREN NEED AND WANT:

1. Connection with parents and other appropriate adults
2. Time and Attention
3. Acceptance for Who They Are
4. Unconditional Love
5. Limits/Boundaries/Consequences
6. Empathy
7. Downtime/Boredom
8. Struggle/ Disappointment/Conflict
9. Responsibilities
10. Allowing for Mistakes/Imperfection
11. Accepting ALL Feelings (even those that are unpleasant)
12. Teaching Values

Parenting is one of life’s greatest joys. If you’ve been a parent for more than a week, you know that parenting can also be one of our greatest challenges. As mothers, we are thrust into the initial trial of managing our emotions under sleep deprived conditions while simultaneously redefining every aspect of our lives–including going to the bathroom. Just as we begin to get the hang of things, a new developmental milestone arrives. We are faced with questions such as, “How do we deal with the tantrums, the whining, the food and sleep issues, sibling fighting, the shy child, the aggressive child?” The list goes on and on. More relevant than how we deal with the challenge of the moment, is the deeper question of whether we like ourselves when dealing with parenting challenges.

I recently had an epiphany about parenting. As a social worker and mother of three, I specialize in helping parents broaden their range of parenting tools to nurture healthy development and help make family life more peaceful. Over years of working with parents, I’ve observed the greatest parenting struggles occur when our children behave in ways that push our buttons. We respond with knee-jerk reactions such as yelling, shaming, or scolding. These knee-jerk reactions are never helpful and leave everyone involved feeling miserable and disconnected. Each time our buttons get pushed, it is a signal to us that there is a hidden or unresolved issue that keeps us disconnected from the deepest truth of who we are.

My epiphany was that each tantrum, each defiant “no”, each bedtime struggle, each friendship issue, each temperament response that is the exact opposite of ours is actually a gift to us. Yes, I did say “gift.” Talk about a paradigm shift. You mean my child is not trying to torture me and the universe is not getting revenge for the trauma I caused my parents? The “challenge of the moment” is an opportunity for us to deepen ourselves, strengthen our way of being and connect with the present moment so that we can lead a more joyful and fulfilled life. If we choose to recognize and embrace that signal, we not only deepen ourselves, we create a nurturing space in which our children can thrive. The deeper our connection to self, the better we are at nurturing the same in our children. Talk about a win-win. Fortunately or not, parenting provides us with seemingly endless opportunities to practice living from a deeper place.

The struggle often works something like this: you need to leave the house in 5 minutes. You are rushing and you tell your eight year old to go to the bathroom, get his shoes on, and be ready to leave SOON! You continue to complete your tasks so that you can leave on time. Five minutes later, you discover that your child has NOT put on his shoes, taken out markers, paper, glue and has made a huge mess. Exasperated, outraged, you yell, he cries and getting out the door now seems impossible. You tell him to “stop crying, there is no time for this.” He cries harder and you scream louder. You get the picture. We’ve all been there….

The next time you find yourself in a similar scenario, begin by asking “What does being late mean to me?” or “Why do I over schedule my life so that I’m rushing myself and my family?” “What is my child’s indifference triggering in me at this moment?” or “What happens to me when I have no control of the physical order around me?” Nerve-racking or stressful moments tend to be about triggered fear from the past, or anxiety about the future. Neither of these is about the present moment. When we are truly present, we will ALWAYS act out of love. We won’t rage or behave in ways that make us and our children unhappy. Instead, our calm, our acceptance our empathy and compassion offer our children the greatest of all gifts. Know that the answers to such questions may not come immediately. However, by asking the questions, you begin an amazing process that will enrich your life and the lives of your children.

Parenting is difficult when we don’t have enough tools to parent in helpful ways. There are four primary areas in which tools can be helpful.

First, parents often have unrealistic expectations for their children’s behavior based on the developmental age of their child. They move to correct their children and miss the critical step of teaching. Parents need to see themselves as teachers in the context of a loving and connected relationship.

Second, parents often don’t know why they are making the choices they make with their children (i.e. taking electronic privileges away for any type of misbehavior) but make them anyway.

Third, quandaries exist when parents don’t have enough strategies to help prevent our children’s eruptions or realize how they may unknowingly be contributing to the drama. The earlier scenario is a great example of how a parent could benefit from tools to prevent that entire scene.

Last, parents can benefit from strategies that will help them stay present and connected to themselves when “normal” childhood drama or painful experiences in life inevitably occur. When scenarios similar to those described above take place, parents lack a conscious plan (tools) for dealing with their children and/or have disconnected from themselves.

Becoming more conscious about parenting is not instantaneous. However, it is valuable to be keenly aware that our role as parents affords us an ongoing and unique opportunity to embark on a journey—a journey that we are already on but may not yet have recognized. Given this epiphany, we can say “thank you” to these unpleasant experiences that push our buttons. “Thank you, tantrum, for causing in me a reaction in which I scream at my child and become anxious.” “Thank you” because I now realize that my reaction is actually an opportunity to reconnect to my deepest self which is truly about love and connection.

This article by Lauren Bondy originally appeared in Make It Better Magazine  www.makeitbetter.net

Limits are essential for children’s healthy emotional development. Limits convey to children that their parents care about them as they provide safety and security. In addition, limits effectively role-model for children that healthy boundaries are essential. When parents set limits in the early years it helps children set limits for themselves in all areas of their life as they get older: in friendships, drugs & alcohol, sex, romantic partners, choices about self care, etc… They may be disappointed about having limits imposed, but the security gained will far outweigh any temporary disappointment.

The following guidelines will help. First, decide the rules for your home. Rules should reflect your needs, comfort level and values (i.e. respect, safety of people & property, nutrition, etc…). Then, communicate the rules to your children. Rules must be clear and should NEVER be introduced in the middle of a problem. Parents often forget to explain the rule in advance, and the reason for each rule. If it’s a good rule, it will make sense to children—even if they don’t like it. For instance, if your rule is “no hitting” make sure to explain the reason for the rule even though it seems obvious. You may say, “The rule is no hitting because hitting hurts. My job is to keep you, your siblings, and all children in our home safe.” Safety appeals to children as it is a basic human need. Make sure they understand the rule.

When children test or attempt to break the rules, remember, this is not a negotiation. Follow the three simple steps for setting limits:

Step 1: Empathize–Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Make sure she feels understood. Let her know you “get” how she feels—even if you don’t like it, and even though you won’t be letting her have her way. [“I know you’re angry that it’s time to go to sleep. You’ve been having fun playing outside.”]

Step 2: State the limit clearly—Remember this is not new information since the rule has already been explained. [“The rule in our house is pj’s at 8:30pm”]

Step 3: Give a choice (4 years and younger) or ask them what their options might be (4 years and older). When giving choices, give only two choices and both must be acceptable to the parent. They must be REAL choices not disguised threats. [“Would you like to put your pj’s on by yourself or have me help you?”]

Guidelines for successfully implementing these steps:

• Be brief & clear –too many words dilute the message.
• Use a calm tone even when you don’t feel calm (this is KEY or you will find yourself in a power struggle)B
• Be FIRM & KIND—this delicate balance is key
• Say each step only once.
• Be consistent and follow through—this is the only way your kids will only know you mean business. Over time there will be less push-back.

Exceptions must truly be exceptions. Tell them, “It’s your lucky day. I’m going to make an exception because…” This way they know that the exception is by your choice not because they wore you down.

Parents who have been letting things slide may find that when first implementing these steps, their children may up the ante by pushing back harder. If this happens, give yourself a pat on the back. This means that they have noticed that you are doing something different. With time and consistency, they will learn that whining and resisting is futile. You will notice that your home is running more smoothly and peacefully. Above all, find comfort in knowing that your children are learning your values and how to set limits for themselves—a necessary skill for life.

A slightly different form of this article was written for Normal Moments, a program for parents of critically ill children